It’s easy to be thankful when things are going well, even if we sometimes need to be reminded how lucky we are and not to take things for granted.
It’s harder to be thankful when things are not going so well and we are struggling with finances, relationships and inner demons.
And then there’s that place in between, where things are actually pretty good, but we’re caught in the gap between our expectations and what’s actually going on. Maybe we feel badly that we haven’t been able to reproduce the Norman Rockwell portrait of a happy family sitting around a table smiling. Maybe we are far from our families and nostalgic for better times. Perhaps we decided to invite people over for Thanksgiving dinner and all but a few had other plans so we felt abandoned and rejected. Perhaps you are alone – a stranger in a strange land and you weren’t invited anywhere and perhaps you received multiple invitations and got all twisted up inside trying to avoid hurting this one’s feelings and honoring how you really wanted to spend the day.
What if we could separate gratitude from the object of our thanks. What if grateful were a state of being, inseparable from who we are; a quality that we exuded from the inside out. What if everything we encountered were automatically bathed in its’ light?
What if gratitude were not a reaction we had to something that we have labeled good or desirable but something we brought to the party no matter what?
What if gratitude were like kindness or beauty – a quality of being that we could cultivate. Instead of facials or massages we could keep gratitude journals, find something to appreciate in everyone we meet and tell them about it, meditate, pray for our hearts to be filled with appreciation and starting with our own breathe move over our bodies: thank you feet for carrying us this far (even if they hurt), thank our eyes for being the windows to the world (even with our glasses) and to our souls and our amazing pump of a heart for keeping our blood oxygenated and circulating – just for starters. if we really got going here the list would be endless and….. that’s just the point.
If you were a grateful person, how would I know? How would you show up differently? Happy for sure – because gratitude and joy are inseparable first cousins; enthusiastic about everything – the people we meet, the sunsets we see, the rainbows that wow us almost daily at this time of year as well as the tougher situations that help us grow, humble us and remind us of the resiliance and fragility of our shared human condition.
We get so caught up in having and doing, especially over the holidays and what we leave out is being. Instead of have, do, be – I’m switching the formula around to Be, Do, Have.
Be gratitude, Do what someone who is grateful for everything would do and I guarantee that the having will take care of itself.
Whatever is going on in your life, take a few minutes today and everyday to water your inner quality of gratitude. You’ll feel it. The people in your life will feel it and the world will be a better place because of you.
Relationships are at the heart of life, from the start of life. There is no life with out relationship. Starting with the connections between the particles out of which everything is made., we have relationships with our parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends, colleagues, teachers, neighbors, ourselves, others and with God (higher power, divine, inner guidance). There is no way around being in relationship, even for people who say, “I’m over relationships. I just have a cat.”
When we have conflicts with people in our lives we suffer greatly. We spend a lot of time and precious energy trying to change the people we think are responsible for our suffering (including ourselves for not measuring up) and we exhaust ourselves trying to ‘fix’ things and rearrange reality.
I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t change anyone else. I’ve twisted myself into various shapes and sizes and that didn’t work either. I noticed that I kept playing the same roles in different relationships and choosing people who had similar qualities even if the packages looked different. At one point I realized I’d married my mother and that certain thorny issues that I had with one friend cropped up with other friends. I wondered why I kept finding myself in situations where I played second fiddle, met men who were non-committal and got upset around people I called “pushy”.
Despite lots of self-help books, therapy and a profession focused on helping people through tough times, it took discovering the Law of Attraction and A Course in Miracles to experience, what the course defines as a miracle, a change in perception. When I started seeing people in a new way all my relationships changed – for the better.
I remember struggling to stay in my marriage and having the wind taken out of my anger when I looked over at my spouse and, instead of seeing an angry out or sorts man, I saw a toddler with hair uncombed and his boxers sagging and – angry and in pain. My heart opened and softened and the anger dissolved into compassion.
I had a client who was troubled by a rocky relationship with her son and spoke, guiltily about her days as a young mother. She’d done the best she could but had made big mistakes. We spoke of forgiveness to open and soften her heart, clear the way for healing and welcome a new relationship with her adult son.
The Law of Attraction says we can only create in our own reality – not someone else’s. The best things we can do to enjoy positive, loving relationships are to:
1. Practice self love.
2. Focus on what we love in another.
3. Understand what we find distasteful in others is a projection of parts of ourselves that need to be healed.
When people ask me how I met my honey they want to know the name of the dating site so they can sign up and get a honey too. They are missing the point. I’m grateful to dating sites and cyber-cafes but I know that I met and am still with this same wonderful man because I’ve done a lot of inner work. I’ve uncovered a lot of unconscious limiting beliefs and assumptions that kept me from enjoying the kind of relationship I craved, and I’ve started to release them and take responsibility for who and what I attract into my life. I get that we are all deliberate creators, that the world is our mirror and the more we clean up what’s going on inside of us ( how we feel about ourselves, how we’ve dealt with past traumas, hurts and the resentments we’ve stored away for so long), the more the world reflects joy, well-being and love right back at us.
There is nothing more important than shifting the way we perceive and connect with each other. Our very lives and life of our planet depend on it. 
Now
I got up early, meditated, made a fruit and kale smoothie and smiled about the day ahead: sailing at the Ritz, lunch with my daughter, a massage with my favorite masseuse and, as if that weren’t enough, winding down at the Nirvana Temple’s evening meditation to the sound of the surf.
Pinch me please! People pay for days like this and long for a life that, my sister says, is fit for the rich and famous. I laugh, because I do enjoy that life and I’m not rich and I’m not famous (yet).
As I headed to the Ritz, I confess that, in addition to smiling at my good fortune, I was also feeling guilty. I kept thinking I should really be working on my book and focused on making money. Voices in my head said, “What gives you the right to la-di-dah around? Get real!” I wondered if joining the morning rush hour would make me a better person and assuage my guilt.
As if on cue, I started to worry about my future. I heard Suzie Orman (and my mother) scolding me for foolish financial decisions. I made a to-do list for my books and my courses and, was haunted by unfinished paperwork and then…
I realized that I had totally left the present moment. I had moved from the land of my most amazing life to a run down project and a none to pleasant future that was bringing me down.
Tuning back into the lush tropical landscape, I saw what that I was polluting and diluting the rich, shimmering present moment with negative thoughts about the past or the future. I was my own party pooper and I had a choice.
Even if I call Suzie Orman and hand out my resume tomorrow, I get to choose whether to be present to my life right now. I can meet it head on or live in the imagined past and future. There’s a big difference.
Vigilance is required. I’m constantly going astray and bringing myself back to the here and now. My chattering monkey mind lures me elsewhere and, otherwise occupied, I keep missing my life in its full on HD intensity.
I decided that starting right then and there(once again) I’m was going to choose the present, even if I had to do it over and over and over again.
We’re taught at an early age to censor our desires, not to toot our own horns, to buckle down, work hard and keep the peace. We love the idea of unbridled joy but have a love/hate relationship with people who are fully present to each moment.
It’s much more fun to do things fully and forget yourself. When you realize you’re in the past or future in your mind, just come on back. Bring yourself back with your breath and scan your body. Get curious about all that’s going on in the here and now. Savor each moment. Expand its edges.
The only thing preventing us from fully enjoying our lives is our monkey mind selves (our egos). The antidote is cultivating practices that encourage ‘presence’, like playing music, meditating, sailing, yoga, sunsets and being ‘mindful’ of what we are thinking. When we pay attention to our thoughts we can intervene when they head south and return ‘home’ to now.
Thinking you should be somewhere else, with someone else and be someone else, is an automatic joy squashier. It leads to a life of going through the motions. You cheat yourself out of the charge of direct touch, full immersion living.
The late, great rock musician and song writer, Warren Zevon had the right idea when, shortly before leaving this earth he told his fans to “Enjoy every sandwich.”
I’m almost at the Ritz. The rains have turned the foliage lush and neon green. I inhale deeply and find myself back in this present moment of yet another amazing day. I roll down the window and tell the guard, “Good morning. Sailing school,” and turn into the manicured grounds of the luxury hotel property as if I belonged there as if I owned the world.
Spiritual and secular teachers tell us not to ‘hold on too tight’ and that attachment is at the bottom of all our suffering. We’re supposed to ‘let go and let god’, write our dreams on slips of paper and put them under our pillows, release one another to be happy and free.
Neediness is a “no no” in the quest for romantic partnership and an unattractive attribute in anyone over three. Possessiveness and jealousy do not bode well for loving relationships. They trail high drama, resentment and heart-ache in their wake, to a country western soundtrack.
Lately, I’m learning that the bittersweet taste of letting go leads to liberation and the exponential growth of love. I have my poodles, Roxy and Ginger and Lily, my daughter, to thank for this.
I moved onto my sweet-hearts boat with plans to sail to Grenada. I asked for and received a loving couple to move into my periwinkle blue cottages and take care of the dogs. I’d stop by to see how things were going but I wasn’t prepared for how ‘settled down’ things could get so quickly.
After making a great to do over my appearance (tail wagging and lots of licks and woofs) Roxy, (my 12 year old baby), was sitting in my lap cuddling when my tenant walked in. Roxy leaped out of my lap and raced over to her – jumping up and down, wagging her tail (maybe even more than for me) and crying to be petted. My heart contracted and my monkey mind kicked into gear. Wow, how fickle, how quickly Roxy shifted her affections. My dogs don’t love me anymore, etc…
These inner conversations gave way to gratitude once I realized that I’d gotten what I wanted: for Roxy and Ginger to be loved and cared for. Roxy was just showing me how well she was doing and how well I had done.
Giving up being the only person (aside from my daughter) who gets licked to death opened the gate of gratitude and an ocean of love and well-being flowed through many channels – not just through me.
I released Roxy and Ginger to lap up all available love while spreading their kisses around and, as I did this, I was released to go forth and enjoy my currently dog-less state.
To lock in the” letting go learning”: I picked Lily up and drove her to her Dad’s house. She was going to bake cheese cakes with her Dad’s girlfriend. I stuck around for a while and had a chance to see how close those two were. Janet said that she adored Lily and cherished a relationship that allowed them to talk for hours and hang out together at the beach.
I turned green with envy and my monkey mind went wild. I was being supplanted and replaced… until I realized how glad I am that Lily has Janet in her camp rooting for her and showering her with love.
Letting go of my exclusive right to love and care for my daughter or my poodles opened the door to another, more spacious reality. I felt the energy of love that is everywhere and remembered that we are all channels. The more love, the better.
When I am afraid that there isn’t enough to go around – enough love or money or well-being, I am clingy and hold on tight because I am afraid it will be taken away or vanish.
Roxy and Ginger
When I remember that there is an infinite quantity of love and abundance, I celebrate, share and enjoy it all.
Now that I realize Plan B is the new Plan A , I’m more flexible and open. I’m getting better at recognizing and embracing the shape of the emerging Plan B. I see that it contains hidden treasures I’d never thought of. As I Loosen my grip, it’s so much easier to maintain inner peace, curiosity and enjoy life – no matter what’s going on (and a lot’s been going on!).
Our Plan A had been to sail the yacht Bel Ami to Grenada for the rest of hurricane season. When my sweetie had surprise open heart surgery, that plan ended up on the rocks. I’ve been sitting on the boat, watching the inscrutable sea as is it were one of those black kid’s toy eight balls where you ask a question, shake the ball and wait for the answer to float to the surface from the depths. Yes, No, Perhaps.
As the shape of plan B begins to emerge, I notice that when things are easy it feels like a green light giving me the go ahead, so I’ve started playing the Red Light Green Light game. I’m taking my cues from the ease at which my efforts are met by the world. When I’m on the right track things go well – I’m driving on a wide avenue where the green lights are staggered and I can just keep on going if I pace it right. If I’m not on the right track, things are difficult or downright impossible, it’s Red Light time – Stop.
I Wanted to head out west to help my guy heal so I started looking at travel sites. I quickly found a stunningly inexpensive round trip ticket to Chicago. Green Light. The only problem was that the flight landed at midnight. I wrote to my only friend in Chicago to see if she could pick me up – a long shot I thought, so when she called me right back to say she gets off work at 11 so yes to the pick up and place to stay and, on top of that, she can drive me to Madison the next day. Green light, Green light, jump up and down green light. As if that weren’t enough encouragement, I heard from a college friend that she’s now living in Madison and is excited that we might get to hang out. Bonus Green Light. Keep on going, pass go, collect $200 – I’m starting to have way too much fun.
The same staggered green light scenario continued as I made plans for securing the boat, Bel Ami. I found people to help me now and while we’re away. Things just felt easy each step of the way. Even as I’ve caught myself imagining red lights and obstacles, the truth is that I’ve been bowled over by the ease of the journey and very curious about how you know you’re on the right path: doors open, people call you back, tickets are cheap and its as though the red carpet is being rolled out in front of you.
I’ve now changed direction and am riding the waves, free of the undertow of negative (red light) thinking and much to my delight, green lights are illuminating the way.
When a problem arises we’re prone to reason and weigh and measure as we try to figure it out and make things happen the way we want. We run Red Lights. get frustrated and get ourselves into all kinds of trouble. We do it all the time – in situations that are small potatoes and in big stake issues. We don’t pay attention to the lights – first of all our inner lights (our most amazing inner guidance system which is constantly offering up gut feelings, hunches and intuitions), and the outer lights – the feed-back we get from the world.
I’m playing the Red Light, Green Light Game in all my affairs, big and small and I’m suggesting that you try it out too. When you aren’t sure what to do Stop, Breathe and Check the Lights – both inner and outer. See if they are green or red and proceed accordingly. When we quiet our inner chatter, quiet the outer voices telling what we should and shouldn’t be doing – the lights are clear signposts.
Growing up in Manhattan I often walked for miles. When I’d come to a corner and find a red light, I’d either stop and take a break or cross where the light was green. I wove my way, catty corner through the city to my destination, creating my own avenue of staggered green lights – which is what I am doing now every day in my life here and where ever I find myself. I’m calling it Green Living.
Wishing you a green light kind of life. May you head in directions where doors open, red carpets are rolled out and the world is your oyster. See you at the corner.