Exhausted after much mental/emotional kicking and screaming, I bump through the stages of mourning ‘what was’ toward “acceptance” or, as Byron Katie says, to “loving what is.”
Post surrender, I put my dukes down and look around. From this vantage point I have a better big picture view and can now begin to take stock, review and explore the soil in which the seeds of the next steps have been germinating.
I’m starting with a gratitude list for the perpetual bounty with which I have been, and continue to be, gifted ( not to mention the ripples) from this last magical segment of my life. The gifts are countless. They are piled under the tree of experience, some still unopened and unnoticed but many others oohed and ahed over and already incorporated into this next segment. As I think of things for which I am grateful, I give thanks and write them down. It’s a work in progress, a growing list.
I’ve also resurrected my ‘Calling in the One’ list and am revising it – adding and subtracting from my list of what I’m looking for in a long-term romantic partner. The items are not all (or even mostly) of the tall, dark, handsome variety but speak to values, integrity, a way of being in the world, and how I want to feel in the relationship. As well as looking at what was great, I’m looking at the aspects of the relationship that did not feel so good and that I didn’t like and allowing that to point me toward what would feel good and what I would now add to my list, or delete as the case may be.
Having recent, first hand, full immersion experience has high-lighted what matters most to me. Things I thought mattered don’t and things that I thought didn’t do. My priorities have shifted and I’m moving things around accordingly.
Since any relationship and all attraction is a two way street, I flip the page over and start a list of what I bring to the relationship – who I am, who I am willing to be and how I am willing to show up and treat my partner. I’m getting clearer about what I want from you and being clear about what you can expect of me.
The Course in Miracles says whatever is missing in your life is something that you are not giving, so I am careful to place qualities that I wished for on the list knowing that giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin.
This exercise is called a Strategic Attraction Plan and it can be used to attract anything and any kind of relationship into your life. Refining both aspects of the Strategic Attraction Plan (theirs and yours) is like fine tuning instruments to the frequency of the beautiful music they will make together.
Even if it’s hard to acknowledge what was good and made you happy in your previous relationship (or previous job, previous neighborhood), it’s through appreciation that you set yourself up for a step up or a step deeper and always a step in the right direction.
It is so tempting to trash the past – to say that the guy (or gal) was a jerk, the boss a monster, the location sucked etc… and that things were (are) so terrible we can’t wait to escape to where everything will be better.
When I told my coach, years ago, that I hated my job and couldn’t wait to leave I, she chided me for my negative focus and pointed out that the best way I could use the past to propel me into a positive future was by honoring the positive in the past. If I could be grateful for all the lessons from easy-peasy to white water class IV my future would be guaranteed. I got it and turned on a dime, grateful that the job I hated allowed me the flexibility to pick my daughter up from school, grocery shop between appointments, work from my laundry room, paid well and more. I realized I didn’t have to hate the past to create a great future.
And neither do you. If you can look at your past with a heart that is grateful for the good, the bad and the ugly the future will always overflow with things to look back on with a grateful heart.
Maybe it all comes down to being grateful as much as possible and aspiring to live in a perpetual state of gratitude. If we did, we’d let relationship change and transition to new jobs and locations riding on positive waves rather than pushing against in anger. Maybe our relationships would last longer and be happier if we were more grateful more of the time, for one another and the gifts we bring. Maybe gratitude really is the soil in which all good things take root.
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