Lately, on my morning beach walks, I’ve been playing with my gaze, throwing it way out like a YoYo so my eyes take in the big picture all the way to the end of the beach, then slowly reeling it in and enjoying the scenery along the way, until I’m finally looking straight down at my feet.

I discovered that there’s a spot where my gaze is most comfortable. It’s where my eyes, neck and head are in their ‘rest’ position and it’s approximately 12 feet ahead of me.

Looking at the crescent shaped swath of beach before me, I see where I am headed and what I can expect. People and objects in the distance are small and indistinct but as I bring my gaze in closer everything gets bigger and clearer until, up close and personal, things are life sized and fill up my field of vision like my big toe in the sand at the end of my close up gaze.

12 feet ahead provides the perfect little world in which to walk, including the footsteps of those who’ve come and gone before, shells, sea gulls, sand crabs, a peripheral view of the sea, approaching people and a peaceful, private inner place.

The word Drishti popped into my mind. It’s a Sanskrit word that refers to where to place your gaze in each yoga posture. When I got home I got down David Swenson’s Ashtanga Yoga Practice Manuel and,sure enough, what I been doing on the beach was experimenting with my Drishti.

Each asana (yoga posture) has a Drishti associated with it – a suggested place to focus your gaze to enhance the benefits of each posture: increasing your stretch by gazing in the direction of the stretch or deepening a bend by gazing at your big toe. In Yoga the Drishti also refers to an internal gaze and inner awareness that, like a microscope, allows us to examine what we may not be able to see externally.

In the same way that there’s a Drishti to enhance each yoga posture, for outer and inner benefit, I’m discovering that there’s a Drishti associated with all our activities, whether we are walking on the beach, washing dishes, having a conversation, sitting at our desks, doing pirouettes, reading a book, driving a car etc. There’s an ideal positioning of the body, head and gaze that is comfortable, good for our bodies (ergonomic), expends the least effort (efficient) and helps us to be present and focused on what is immediately before us and immediately within us.

I thought of occasions where the notion of Drishti (conscious focus) had produced great results like walking on the Camino de Santiago ( a pilgrimage route) in France. When the going was steep and long, looking up and ahead made me feel discouraged, so I learned to look up once at the beginning to take stock and then kept my gaze (Drishti) about 12 feet ahead of me. I stayed in the present, enjoyed the journey and celebrated summits. It worked on downhill runs too with me in the lead leaping sure-footed like a goat.

I learned that it’s good to have a destination and then not to get too far ahead of yourself en route.

A friend confirmed my theory with her account of climbing up out of the Grand Canyon. She said it was daunting to keep looking up and be reminded of how far she had to go, so she focused on one step at a time, kept her gaze relaxed and lived to tell the tale.

I notice the same thing when I’m paddle boarding. If I’m gliding around scanning the horizon for turtles and dreaming of dolphins, my gaze ranges far and wide but when I’m determined into the wind and mustering strength to move the board through the water, I focus on the water just in front of the board (probably about 12 feet ahead), gauge my speed and cultivate momentum.

In Buddhist meditation, it is suggested that you sit and mediate with your eyes half open and your gaze cast downward, relaxed and in front of you – a Drishti to enhance the purpose of the practice – being fully present, inside and out.

Once we know where we are going, we’d do best to return to a manageable chunk of the present and keep our focus on the here and now to enhance whatever we are doing, inside and out.

Here’s to finding your Drishti, the perfect gaze for whatever you are up to today and always.

There’s  a big, beautiful avocado tree  outside my window that I planted when I moved into this house 6 years ago. A tiny sapling then, it’s a large tree heavy with fruit now and, as it’s been coming into its own, I’ve been keeping a proprietary eye on the avocados and the thrushy birds who love them as much as I do.

I followed the advise of an expert and picked them as soon as the birds started pecking, easing them into the basket of my new extension pole fruit picker and lining them up on my kitchen counter – 1 green baby after the other counting in at 15 with a few more on the tree.

Since they’re fetching 4-5 dollars apiece, I scanned my storage room for a table, thought about when would be the best time to set up a stand and asked a few friends if they wanted to keep me company. No one said yes,

I took a photo of the avocados and posted it on Facebook with my dilemma – should I sell or give away my avocados. I got 28 comments. Some people were all for selling them, others felt half and half would do, several said “sell them if you need the money”, a couple voted for avocado philanthropy and one said give away what you don’t eat.

I am fortunate enough to be able to forfeit the $40-$50 selling them would put in my pocket. To feed my kids or pay the bills, I wouldn’t think twice and I’d be up on the road. But I have a hunch that selling them or giving them away is more than a question of need but of inclination, what feels right based on your values, your upbringing, your current status, your heart and your ability to generate cash in other ways.

The luxury in which I now stand is not the luxury of monetary wealth, but the luxury of avocados and coconuts and star fruit, beauty all around and well-being. I can afford to give away my avocados and the pleasure I get from doing so is worth far more than $40. That’s me.

I get that someone else might see all those avocados and think dollar signs $$$$, add the star fruit to boot, throw in some genips and pay some bills or start a fruit savings account.  Payment as an exchange of energy is important and an indication of how invested someone may be in therapy, an educational program, an exercise class. We sometimes value the things we pay for more than what is offered for free. we want to get ‘our money’s worth.”

But this feels different. These are precious gifts offered to me freely by a tree and offered by me to whoever is lucky enough to cross my path or mind or both at the right time. They are given in a spirit of playful whimsy with love thrown in – like giving out roses on Valentine’s day. With my avocados I bestow a small buttery swath of green abundance on all recipients. Or at least that’s the way I like to tell the story, with a smile. And I have testimonials.

So, what’s your fruit situation? Do you have trees that bear? What do you do with the fruit that you don’t eat?
Make tarts or jams, jellies and stews with what you can? What do you do with the avocados? Do you sell them? Do you give them away? Eat them straight for days on end until they’re gone? Have a margarita party?

I just made a batch of delicious guacamole  to take to a friends house.   I’ll give her an avocado to have her way with and might take a couple of extra’s with me just in case –

Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to run into me – right place, ripe time, avocado time.:)

All endings go through stages. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief apply whether one is grieving the death of a loved one, the loss of health, a break-up, relocation, loss of job or home. The Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance that she speaks of in her book – On Death and Dying –are all things that I have experienced since my recent break-up and what I see  my clients, friends and family go through when they go through a loss of some kind.

I hadn’t seen my ex in 2 months so I was nervous on the drive to meet him. It was awkward but we had a drink and dinner, talking about this and that. I had to remember my intention of listening. Nothing earth shattering was said. No light bulbs went off. There was no discussion of resuming or rebuilding and I felt a great sadness. There had been so much possibility, so much promise, so much heart. We’d called each other soul mates and here we were with so much distance between us. It was shocking.

I missed the warm, loving connection we’d enjoyed, the easy fun we’d had together and still felt the sting of rejection, but my anger and hurt pride gave way to sorrow and compassion, for him, for me and for ‘us’.

I drove him to the parking lot where I’d parked so many times before and watched him walk away toward the stairs to the dinghy dock. He looked slight and solitary in the darkness with the street lamp his spot light. As much as I wanted to reach out and hug him, it felt like the closing scene. I was reminded of early  tv’s Jimmy Durante Show where Jimmy Durante, the hook nosed big hearted Borscht Belt comedian, bid adieu to his tv audience each week by walking away from the camera down a dark alley, followed by a lonely spotlight. Just as he’s about to disappear, he turns and says, in his raspy voice, “Goodnight Mrs. Callabash, wherever you are.” It felt like closure: acceptance, letting go, the sound of a door shutting.

I drove away, back to the north side and my newly appointed home with the just power washed deck, skipping jazz at Sapphire for the comfort of chez-moi with the poodles.

While I might wish that Mr. X could have been in this picture with me, enjoying my new queen sized bed, whitewashed fridge, gleaming new faucets and me of course, I am scrubbing away, cleaning, clearing my space and upgrading my life and that’s what’s up for me right now. I am making room for myself to bloom with room to share. I’m planting seeds, getting grounded, financially stable, focused on how I want my life to be and grateful for how it is. Cultivating a state of eager anticipation, I’m healing, seeing things differently and starting to  look forward to things unfolding in magical ways as I deliberately create a next chapter that I’m already proud to call my life.

I am not the only one who has suffered a loss big or small, and I’m not the only one who is mourning, regrouping and rediscovering themselves. I hope sharing my experience helps and that this poem by Derek Walcott speaks to you as it does to me.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the others’ welcome.

and say, Sit here, Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

One of the things I like most about being a Life Coach is that I get to witness and play a tiny part in the transformation and change-for-the-better in the lives of the people I coach. Reporting back from the fields of their lives, my clients tell me about becoming self-sustaining and intervening to soothe their energy when in distress. Since I teach people how to soothe their disturbed energy, these success stories tell me that they are using their tool-kit of coaching resources and it’s working.

Self-sustaining people turn despair into inspiration the way ancient alchemists turned lead into gold. They know how to plug into source energy, inner guidance, higher power, God and discover that relief/salvation and light are always ours for the asking.

Popping a psychic lozenge helps stop the sputtering and fussing long enough to catch your breath and respond rather than react; climb out of the abyss rather than digging yourselves in deeper. These lozenges come in all shapes, sizes and dimensions (as in 3D). They range from connecting with our breath, placing our hands on our hearts, saying a prayer, meditating, singing a song, going to the movies, running, playing the “what if up” game and doing the ‘work’ of Byron Katie and  sucking your thumb – just for starters.

There are the lozenges of music, of the sea, of color, Yoga, touch, presence. Altoids work for some; others prefer a spoonful of honey, a ginger mint or something stronger.

I am moved and delighted at the ways clients come up with to soothe their energy. One woman searched online for a version of chanting OM, played it all day, changed the channel in her mind and heart and soothed her energy. She tuned into a place of peace and well being, stilling her anxiety and monkey mind chatter.

Another client soothed her energy by choosing nourishment and balance over overwhelm. She focused on planning and preparing healthy food so she can eat well at home or on the run. When she gets stressed out she returns to her menu and to feeding herself well and everything else seems to fall into place. She is cultivating the habit of inner and outer peace and sustainability through nourishment.

Sometimes we intervene before we do what we have said we won’t, and turn down the rich dessert or the tantrum and sometimes we don’t.

It’s hard to intervene when we are really upset but that’s when it can make the most difference. If we take a deep breath, go for a walk, pull out our coaching tool kit and pray to see things differently, we can make a turbulent ride more comfortable and stay open to what the experience has to teach us.

The more we pay attention to how we feel, and act to comfort ourselves and move toward feeling better, the healthier and happier we will be and the more positive our impact will be where ever we go.

When we can calm ourselves down, be a loving parent to our inner child, shift our focus, remember that everything is working for our benefit, that this too shall pass and that all is well, the happier we are and the more we can sustain it because it’s an inside job and we have the tools and the know how to keep it going.

One habit that sustains me and soothes my energy is taking a deep breath. I inhale love, light, well-being and golden light and I exhale sorrow, tension discomfort and distress. I do it often. It’s free; anyone can do it and it works.

Here’s to soothing your energy, responding rather than reacting and being deliberate creators of wonderful lives rather than victims of fate.