Kids chant “sticks and stones will hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me?” Sticks and stones will definitely hurt bones but words cause longer lasting damage. No bruises to go through color changes or scratches to scab over but words cut deep and hit the heart. We may cover them over with thick skin and an “I don’t care attitude,” but a look or criticism can deflate our best moods and find us slinking off into corners.
We eat. We sleep and we communicate. We talk (some more than others) all day long. Even our dreams are full of language and we are constantly chattering to ourselves.
The Buddhists say that “to be human is to have a hero’s heart and a monkey mind.” Monkey mind is that inner dialogue that is full of criticism, judgment, self-doubt and “what-ifs.” It talks to us in a personal, familiar way and can seem logical, irrefutable and seductive. It says things like, “who do you think you are?”, “you could never do that,” “you’ll never amount to anything,” “you want to do what!?” It may have the voice of our mothers, fathers, teachers, society – “sit down and be quiet.”
When I learned about monkey mind I really started paying attention and tuned into what I was telling myself on a minute by minute basis. I was horrified! Most of what I had to say was negative, critical and, what’s more – it wasn’t true! I was appalled that, for so many years, I had been believing my chatter and taking it to heart – letting it define who I was, how the world was and what was possible. I realized that I was living in a self-imposed prison.
When I work with clients and groups I share the idea of monkey mind right off the bat. I encourage them to be observers of their thoughts. I ask them to question those thoughts and ask if they are really true. Mostly they’re not. It’s a liberating experience. Once you choose to ignore the chatter, it will quiet down clearing the way for you to proceed toward your dreams and goals. Who cares what monkey mind thinks? It never has your best interests at heart anyway.
In addition to noticing what words are going through your head, it’s equally amazing to pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth. Parents may think that saying “you’re my little pudge ball” or “the kid with the head screwed on crooked” are terms of endearment. Listen again – they’re not. Even if you say you don’t really mean it – think back to the sticks and stones statement. Words cut deep. WORDS MATTER. Right speech is one of Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements. Start paying attention to how you speak to your children, spouses, friends and neighbors.
If all your words really did matter (and they do) what would you no longer say? What words cut down, dimish, hurt? What words lift up, empower, warm the heart and heal?
Works are powerful. During the difficult learning curve of a new job, a friend noticed that she kept telling herself, “I’m losing my mind. I’m losing my mind….” She caught herself and changed her words to help rather than hinder.
In the beginning was the word. If we remember this we will all rise to the challenge of paying attention to the conversations in our heads and to the words that come out of our mouths. We get to be censors who ban all negative words, all put downs, all mean-spirited comments and self-deprecating statements. If we can’t replace them with something uplifting, positive, loving or at least neutral, remember that silence is golden.
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